


You Must Know

by earthlydreams



Category: Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Canon Compliant, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-15
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-26 15:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/967490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthlydreams/pseuds/earthlydreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will goes to apologize to Jem after spending the night at the demon drug den, and finds himself confessing more than he expected. Literally what happened in Clockwork Prince tweaked to fit this ship, mostly from Ch 11.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Must Know

**Author's Note:**

> The bulk of this fic is actually text from the book, with changes and omissions to fit my additions.

Will looked at Jem. His eyes were bluer than blue, his cheeks flushed, his features angelic. He slurred, "You did not have to come a fetch me like some child. I was having quite a pleasant time."

Jem looked back at him. "God damn you," said, and hit Will across the face, sending him spinning. Will didn’t lose his footing, but fetched up against the side of the carriage, his hand to his cheek. His mouth was bleeding. He looked at Jem with total astonishment, and then tried to move as if to retaliate but Jem pushed Will up against the carriage, his forearm across Will’s throat. Will didn’t resist this time, just looked at Jem with glassy eyes. Jem let him go and stepped back.

"Get him into the carriage," Jem said to Cyril, and turned and went back through the red door-presumably to pay for Will’s drugs.

***

The next night, Will found Jem standing in front of his door—though "standing" was perhaps not the right word. He was pacing back and forth, "wearing a path in the carpet," as Charlotte would have said.

"James," Will said. Jem’s head jerked up, and the initial surprise on his face was quickly replaced by a blank mask.

"I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to find you wandering the halls at all hours?" Jem said the words in a more slightly formal tone than he usually used with his _parabatai_.

"I think we can agree that the reverse is more out of character," replied Will. "Why are you awake? Are you all right?" Will could have kicked himself after he said that. Of course Jem was probably not all right, not thanks to Will himself.

Jem cast a glance at Tessa’s door. "I was going to apologize to Tessa," he said. "I think my violin playing was keeping her awake. Where have you been? Did you go to—" Jem broke off awkwardly.

"I’ve something for you, actually." Will was trying hard to sound good natured. "Come along, let me into your room. I don’t want to spend all night standing about in the hall."

After a moment’s hesitation Jem shrugged and opened his door. He went in, Will following; Will shut and bolted the door behind them as Jem threw himself into an armchair, looking weary. "What is it then?" he began, but bent almost double, convulsed by a hard cough. It passed quickly, before Will could move or speak, but when Jem straightened and brushed the back of his hand across his mouth, it came away smeared with red. He looked at the blood expressionlessly.

Will felt sick. He approached his _parabatai_ , producing a handkerchief, which Jem took, and then the silver powder he’d bought in Whitechapel. "Here," he said, feeling awkward. He hadn’t felt awkward around Jem in five years, but there it was. Will wondered if he had ruined things indefinitely. "I went back to Whitechapel, got this for you." Will avoided Jem’s eyes.

Jem, having cleaned the blood from his hand with Will’s handkerchief, took the backed and stared down at the _yin fen_. "I have enough of this," he said quietly. "For at least another month. This wasn’t necessary."

Will sat down on the trunk at the foot of Jem’s bed, finally bringing his eyes level with Jem’s. "Mortmain’s minions have been buying up the _yin fen_ supply in East End," he said. "I confirmed it. If you had run out and he was the only one with a supply…"

"We would have been put in his power. _I_ would have been put in his power," said Jem. "Unless you were willing to let me die, of course, which would be the sensible course of action."

Will looked horrified. "I would _not_ be willing!" he said sharply. "You’re my blood brother. I’ve sworn and oath not to let any harm come to you--"

"Leaving aside oaths," said Jem, "and power plays, did any of this have to do with me?"

"I don’t know what you mean—"

Jem scoffed, a very un-Jem-like thing to do. "I had begun to wonder if you were capable of the desire to spare anyone suffering."

Will rocked back slightly, as if Jem had pushed him, and felt a pang in his chest, similar to what he felt when he allowed himself to think of his family and Ella. He swallowed, looking for the words. It had been so long since he had searched for words that would earn him forgiveness and not hatred, so long since he had sought to present himself in anything but the worst light, that he wondered for a panicked moment if it were even something he was still able to do. "I spoke to Tessa today," he said finally. "She made me understand—that what I did last night was unforgiveable. Though," he added hastily, "I do still hope that you will forgive me." _By the Angel_ , Will thought, _I’m bad at this._

Jem raised an eyebrow. "For what?"

"I went to that den because I could not stop thinking about my family, and I wanted—I needed—to stop thinking," said Will in a slightly strained voice. "It did not cross my mind that it would look to you as if I were making a mockery of your sickness. I suppose I am asking for your forgiveness for my lack of consideration." His voice dropped. "Everyone makes mistakes, Jem."

"Yes," said Jem. "You just make more of them than most people."

"I—"

"You hurt everyone," interrupted Jem. "Everyone whose life you touch." _Why?_ was the unspoken question.

"Not you," Will whispered, almost pleadingly. "I hurt everyone but you. I never meant to hurt you."

Jem put his hands up, pressing his palms against his eyes. "Will—"

"You can’t never forgive me," Will said, hearing the panic tingeing his own voice. "I’d be—"

"Alone?" Jem lowered his hands, but he was smiling faintly. "And whose fault is that?" He leaned back against the seat, his eyes half-lidded with tiredness. "I would always have forgiven you. I would have forgiven you if you hadn’t apologized. In fact, I wasn’t expecting you would. Tessa’s influence, I can only guess."

"I am not here at her request. James, you are all the family I have." Will’s voice broke. "I would die for you. You know that. I would die without you. If it were not for you, I would be dead a hundred times over these past five years. I owe you everything. You think I do not have empathy, that I cannot love, but I do feel, I do love—"

Jem looked alarmed now. "Will, your discomposure is greater than my anger warranted. My temper has cooled; you know I have never had much of one."

Jem’s tone was soothing, but something in Will could not be soothed. "I went to get you that medicine because I cannot bear the thought of you dying or in pain, certainly not when I could have done something to prevent it. And I did it because I was afraid. If Mortmain came to us and said he was the only one who had the drug that would save your life, you must know I would give him whatever he wanted so that I could get it for you. I would not fail you. James, you must know—"

"Will." Jem rose to his feet; he walked across the room to Will and knelt down between Will’s knees, looking up into his face. "You are concerning me. Your regret does you admirable credit, but you must know…"

Will looked down at Jem, at his silver hair and silver eyes. "Know what?"

"That I will die," Jem said. His eyes were wide, and fever-bright; there was a trace of blood, still, at the corner of his mouth. The shadows under his eyes were nearly blue.

Will dug his fingers into Jem’s wrist, denting the material of his shirt. Jem did not wince.

"You swore to stay with me," he said. "When we made our oath, as _parabatai_.  Our souls are knit. We are one person, James."

"We are two people," said Jem. "Two people with a covenant between us."

"A covenant that says you must not go where I cannot come with you!" Will exclaimed petulantly.

"Until death," Jem replied gently. "Those are the words of the oath. 'Until aught but death part thee and me.' Someday, William, I will go where none can follow me, and I think it will be sooner rather than later."

"No," protested Will.

'Will, you know—"

"You must know," Will said, "that I—" Will choked on his own words. "That I love you. That I’ve always loved you."

Jem looked up at him intently. "What are you saying?" he asked.

"I am saying that I am in love with you." _There, he had said it. Why not? Things couldn’t get any more worse than they already were._

Jem moved up in a quick motion and placed his lips on Will’s. Will was caught off guard, but only for a moment. He recovered quickly and moved his lips against Jem’s, slid his tongue into Jem’s mouth, tasting blood and burnt sugar, his hands digging further into Jem’s wrists.  They broke apart after what Will considered to be too short of a time. Will felt dizzy, but suddenly also felt nervous. He released Jem’s wrists and gave a half hearted attempt at humor, his usual crutch. "I think this may be against our parabatai oath."

Jem gave a short chuckle. "I think this is also against Shadowhunter and Mundane law." He leaned forward again and pressed his forehead against Will’s and brought his hands to cup Will’s face. "But if I am here in this life for only a short time yet, I want to spend it with you, William, however I wish."


End file.
